Post 089: Deflection

I had lunch with a female colleague today; well it really wasn't lunch. I already had lunch with me; a serve of lasagne that Sandilands recommended a while back. Though I stepped out of the office to get a Boost Juice (Yes, I've become one of those pretentious types that you see walking the city streets with a green corrugated cup in hand), and she decided to tag along. It was quite unexpected, because I never really go on a lunch "date" during the week; normally a Friday, and even then not weekly.

Anyhow, as we were walking along, I asked her, "Is everything alright?" She replied with, "Yeah, everything's fine, I just wanted to catch up with you". Mind you, I only caught up with her last Friday, so I was doubly surprised by that answer, given the fact that it was really only a few days since I last saw her; it must be my charm...

Anyhow, she stated, "Everytime we catch up, it's always about me. I want to see how you're doing, to see how everything's going on with you". Now if you haven't guessed by now, I'm not the most forthcoming person in the world. Sure I might blog things that I wouldn't say, but out in normal society, I'm pretty tight lipped about everything. I'd say I'm more of a listener than a talker, unless it's talking gibberish, and with that I take the cake.

My natural response was, "Everything is fine". And the next thing she knew, it was back onto a topic about her. I don't know how I do it, but I manage to turn the topic around in such a short amount of time, to deflect the attention off of me, it must be a special talent.

I can't recall how many conversations I have had in the past year or so, when the topic was on me. Some people have had the intention to discuss issues with me, but rarely does anyone achieve that goal. Maybe it's a case of insecurity, because once you let your guard down, that's it, they're yours forever, whether intentionally or not. Maybe that's why I like listening to others, because I think that makes me have some control over them. It's sickening really.

Post 088: Fueling The Fire

Ever since I first commented on this feminine's appearance, I think she's making an effort even moreso. I don't know it's directly correlated to what I said about her the first time, but each time, she seems to out do herself.

Today she was wearing a silky black top, coupled with a light gray coloured layered skirt, and sheer black stockings with black heels to match. I could honestly say that it look like she came off the cover of a fashion magazine, like Grazia or something; wait, sorry, that's too pretentious, maybe the female equivalent of GQ, if there was one.

When I commented on her outfit, and how much I liked it, she replied back with "Thanks. It's a new one, I can't help myself". And then it hit me. Maybe all of my comments about the way she's dressing is fueling the fire, and giving her a reason to dress up; it might be self-conceited, but maybe she's dressing up for me? It seems like she has a new outfit every week; not one that's recycled, but an actually a newly purchased outfit. All because of the compliments I'm passing her way.

I think I'm the youngest male on the floor, and I'm very open about my appreciation for feminines making an effort to get dressed up at work. I think once you reach a certain age, a compliment turns from sincere, to sleazy, and then back to sincere, bordering on sweet in an old man way. Hopefully I'm at that sincere stage, because I really do like it when the feminines in the office get dressed up.

If I'm fueling the fire for these feminines to glam up at work, I only have three words to say: Burn Baby Burn!

Post 087: Are You Telling Me This Is A Sigh

A sigh is probably one of the hardest things to ever decipher. Depending on the intensity, the cadence, and the exhalation, a sigh can mean anything you can think of, and then some. For the decoder it's quite frustrating, so much so that it cause you, yourself to sigh, which propagates the sigh cycle.

I was sitting on a train this morning, on the way to work, and a feminine sat down beside me. Initially she placed her bag to divide us, but eventually scuttled over when she let someone sit beside her.

Now I'm not going to lie to you; I tried to take a peek at her, to check her out. I do that almost quite naturally these days, in that I don't even have to think, to start checking out a bird; it's quite misogynistic really, but I guess my excuse is that I'm single, and that I'm just appreciating beauty as I see it.

Anyhow, out of nowhere she sighed. I looked over when I had the chance, and she looked back at me. I don't know if she meant to or not, but I think she cracked a small smile, when I smiled at her; I don't even know why I smiled. Just as an interesting point that I must let you know though, was the fact that she had a ring on her finger; that's right, no more 'single ladies' dance for her.

I turned away, and looked out of the corner of my eye to see her writing something in her diary. Minutes after she sighed again. And again a few minutes after that. It's quite frustrating to be honest, not knowing why she was sighing. I was actually about to ask her if everything was alright. Sometimes all a sigh really is, is a sign that you need attention.

I was about to ask, but then for some reason I was thinking of the comment that I read in mX the other day, about married people being so frustrated at work, because they weren't getting any at home, which made them irritable. Maybe she was one of those people, and she need a bit of loving. Maybe all that sighing was her screaming out for a bit of loving. Maybe she was sighing for me to step up to the plate.

Maybe I needed to go back to sleep, because I was definitely daydreaming.

Post 086: Elevators

It's always a risk when approaching an elevator, that you're going to be caught in one with someone you really don't want to travel with, for whatever reason, whether it's your boss, your colleague, or your underling. Sometimes it's just a case of riding in an elevator with anyone, that can make you feel a bit out of place.

Just as an aside, I sometimes actually wait for the next elevator in the hopes that I can ride in one, all by myself. I'm there in the lift lobby, and an elevator dings open, and say two people walk in; sometimes I walk past it, to look like I'm not going to be traveling in one, like a fake walk past the lobby. But when the doors close, I quickly hit the button to get the next one, before anyone else shows up in the lobby. Crazy huh?

Anyhow, as I was leaving the office, heading over to the lift lobby, I noticed a colleague of mine was already at the lift. I knew she was in a rush, just to avoid the situation that was coming up next. Now I must tell you, that I think she thinks that I'm a sleeze, and a loser; she's not far off. I've hit on her before, and she's laughed it off, plus she knows that I flirt with every female that walks by my desk. Anyhow, as I got in the lift with her, I said, 'It's alright, I don't take offense. I know you shot off quite fast, so we don't have an awkward conversation in the lift'. She was shocked.

She tried to cover it up by, 'No, we won't have an awkward conversation...', to which I replied, 'It's fine, I can stand here in silence', which I proceeded to do. It didn't take her long to crack, and I called her out on it. What came next, is what I had expected, a conversation, with her trying to sound casual, when it was quite obvious, that she felt awkward. I pointed it out, to lighten up the mood.

But it's always a wonder why people find it so awkward to speak in a lift. They either ask how the weekend was, or how great / bad the weather is. People should just let loose of their inhibitions, and actually have a personable conversation, like I try to always make. Though I don't think everyone else in the lift is appreciative of my efforts...

Post 085: Keep It Fresh

You know, every now and again you meet someone, and it makes you think. Not in a bad way, but in a good way. Someone with so much zest for life, so fun, and so spunky, that you're envious of them. It's like they know the secret, and are reveling in it. It's like they've captured lightning in a bottle, and know what to do with it. I don't know why I'm so excited about her, but I am.

Everything that she says, and everything that she writes, is just fresh and pure. While I'm over the hill, and drowning in my own sorrows, all it takes is a few words from her, and I'm perked back up.

I know it's unfair for me to rely on her to brighten up my day; I look forward to each bit of communication I have with her. I'm even starting to scare myself. The good thing is that she's not within earshot, and I know it's going to take a lot more than a simple letter to do anything about it, but it's the anticipation and the hope that keeps me going.

I don't expect anything in return from her, and she'd probably freak out, if she knew I was writing about her. Maybe it's a whole case of envy; maybe I wish I was as care free as she is, rather then live through the self-punishment that I do each day by waking up with the wrong attitude. Something about her just screams magic, and I wish I had it!

Post 084: Quick To Blame

Have you ever had a conversation with someone, for them only to be so defensive, and start placing the blame on everyone else, except for themselves? I know a lot of people that do that, and I can't help think to myself, 'Are they being serious?'

Now, this isn't aimed at people who are generally in the right about the situation, where they probably aren't part of the problem, and they're probably correct in laying the blame elsewhere. But more often than not, they're generally in the wrong. I admit myself, that half the time, I'm in the wrong, if not moreso.

It always takes two to tango, and to lay blame to the other party entirely, seems quite defensive, and dismissive. It's hard having a conversation with someone who has that mindset, and it's very hard to make them think otherwise.

I always think that this is the case, and that trying to make others see the full picture is futile. It's like when you're trying to make someone change, for better or worse; most of the time it's easier to walk away from the situation, and make them realise that they need to change, all by themself.

Post 083: Time And Time Again

Sometimes you just have to accept that you're a disappointment, time and time again. There are so many things in life that you have control of, and then there are things in life that you don't. But time and time again, everyone I interact with, ends up being disappointed with me.

A part of me, wants to deny this, and work to be a better person. But another part of me just thinks that I'm no better than anyone else, so what makes me different that I'm not going to disappoint anyone? Or more importantly, everyone?

All my life, I've seen myself as a disappointment, but that's one thing. For someone else to think you're a disappointment, it's a whole other thing; it really hits the point home. Everything that I do, or don't do, results in disappointment, whether I try or I don't. Everything I say, or don't say, ends up disappointing people. I just can't win.

I've heard that saying that if you try to make everyone happy, then no one ends up being happy. But the funny thing is that, I'm trying to make certain people be happy, I fail miserably at that.

The look of the disappointment in someone's eyes burn so deep that sometimes it's unbearable, and I want to look away. But I don't understand why that's the case. I don't care if people disappoint me, probably because I expect them to disappoint me. But it feels so bad, when the inverse situation applies.